Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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