I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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