Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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