last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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