Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
