ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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