any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
