I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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