His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
