I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
