I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
