We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
