When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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