I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
