we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
