I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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