Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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