I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
