john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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