Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize