There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize