put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize