If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
