I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
