Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
