I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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