He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
