ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
