I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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