I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
