Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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