Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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