I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
