Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
