On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yo dont text me then not text me
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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