I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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