I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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