Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
