isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
