new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize