hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
