I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
