What did we do last night that was yellow?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
