i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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