I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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