I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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