Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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