Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize