Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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