just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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