Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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