I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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