she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
