woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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