I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
