I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
