Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
