just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
