I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
