Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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