i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
