you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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