How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
