We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
